I saw somebody get killed the other night, it happened just outside my window. I can't get the night out of my head. It haunts me everywhere I go, I can't hide from the images, the sounds, the feelings.
I had just turned my TV off for the night, I was saying my nightly prayers, praying for the safety of my family, my friends, and thanking God for the blessings in my life. Then it happened, right in the middle of my prayer, a loud pop, at first I thought about the possibility of it being a firework, but considering it's February, I ruled it out quickly. I waited for a moment before I went to the window, what if the shooting wasn't over? I didn't want to get hit by a stray bullet. But then I started hearing yelling, so I jumped out of bed and ran to the window. And there, laying in the street, was a man, I couldn't see his face, there were people surrounding him, trying desperately to keep him alive. Women were crying and yelling, a man quickly took of his t-shirt that he had on under his jacket, and a cop comes sprinting around the corner, as others arrive in their vehicles. I just stand in the window, in shock, in horror, as I watch what is unfolding before my eyes. The gravity of the situation begins to sink in, and I begin to cry, and beg God to let him be alright. Over and over I continue to beg God "Let him be okay, let him be okay, please God let him be okay." I'm crying, I'm in shock, I want to walk away but I can't move. As the paramedics load him into the ambulance, I see the man, lying on the stretcher, motionless, and awkward. And what's left on the side walk, is the strangers t-shirt now stained with the blood of the man. Next to the t-shirt, a pool of blood, God there was so much blood, how could anybody possibly survive the loss of that much blood?
After the ambulance drives away, sirens echoing through the streets, and the cops begin taping off the crime scene, I retreat to my bed. I can't believe somebody had just been shot in front of my apartment. I start texting my friends, because I need to talk to somebody, immediately, because I don't even know how to begin to process something like this. One of my friends tries to comfort me, saying that if he was going to get more blood at the hospital, and they didn't put a sheet over him, proving he wasn't dead, yet. I finally put my phone down, and curl into a tight ball, and try to fall asleep, unfortunately sleep doesn't come easily.
I awake early the next morning, I think I had only slept for about 3 hours. I turn the news on, and there it is, the story of the man who had been shot in front of my apartment the night before. He died on the way to the hospital, from a gunshot wound to the head. How in the hell am I supposed to go teach classes this morning? I can't think straight, all I can think about is the sound of the gunshot, the women crying hysterically in the street, and the stranger, desperately trying to stop the bleeding with his t-shirt. The only thing I'm capable of doing is fighting back tears, and I'm slowly failing at that too.
After my morning class, I catch the afternoon news, and they have more information about what happened. The man was a security guard, just giving two women directions when this animal comes up behind him, points a gun at his neck, and shoots him. Unprovoked. Just, boom. The man was an ex-cop, a pastor in-between churches, working 65-70 hours a week, to feed his family. And now he's gone, a wife lost her husband of 30+ years, kids lost their father, and so many people lost a friend that night, and nobody can even comprehend why. Why did this animal decide to shoot this man, execution style, at random?
I don't know why, but I grieve for him, I grieve for him every single day. I never knew the man, never even met him. Perhaps I made him coffee once, but I can't remember with all of the customers we get. But I grieve for him every single day, and for his family. People have told me not to take this so personally, but how can you not? You witness a person's death, not only a death, you witness somebody getting killed in cold blood, and you're not supposed to take that personal? I constantly think about how I could've helped save him if I had been randomly walking around at that time. I could've alerted him of the animal with the gun. Of course that means I would've been putting myself in danger, and when you're not in the situation, it's so easy to think about all of the things you could do to prevent a situation like that from happening. I was in my apartment when this happened, and I still froze, what makes me think I could've been the hero in the moment? I just wish there was something I could've done, to help that man get home to his family, and kiss his wife again.
Whenever I see his picture, he always looks so happy, he looks like he was a really kind man, somebody I really wish I had known. But all I'll ever know is how he was lying in the street, bleeding, and how awkwardly he was on the stretcher when he was going into the ambulance. I left flowers at his memorial, and I walk by them every day. I see the spot where he fell after he got shot, everyday. I look out my window, and I see it every night. I see the other security officers, surrounding his memorial, and I just want to hug them, and tell them how sorry I am.
It's been a few days now since this happened, and I still don't know how to cope. I'll have moments in the day where I'll think that I'm finally moving on from this, but I always get pulled back to that night. I'll either walk by the spot where he fell, see a security guard, or a loud sound that will scare me and make me jump. You see people die on TV all of the time, or on the news, and you never really think about how real it all is until you actually see it. After you experience something like that, your perspective of everything changes. Suddenly, the crime jokes on TV aren't so funny, seeing people die in a TV show feels more real, and your outlook on the world is completely different.
Everything changed that night the man got killed. My life will never be the same as it was, I'll never be the person I was before that night again. I know I'll move on, I know things will get better, and I'll continue to live my life. I just wish the man could've done the same.
